[ 2002 | 2001 ]
(August 7, 2002)
WorldCom falsely accounted for $3.8 billion in expenses, enabling the company to continue reporting profits when it was actually losing money. What do you think?
- If investors divested from every corporation guilty of corruption and fraud, it would only precipitate a deep, years-long recession. It's our patriotic duty to look the other way.
- This doesn't really affect me, as I've never heard of WorldCom. Now, if Taco Bell collapsed... shit.
- As the CFO of WorldCom, I assure you that I'll have this whole mess cleared up in no time, just as soon as I hit the exacta in the third race at Belmont. Go, Sheba's Dancer! Come on, Sheba's Dancer!
(July 31, 2002)
Southwest Airlines recently announced plans to strictly enforce a policy that asks passengers too large for its seats to purchase an extra fare. What do you think?
- Making the obese pay more is fine, but waving them into their seats with fluorescent-orange batons is too much.
- Perhaps the overweight passenger could help offset the price of the extra seat by, say, serving as a screen for the in-flight movie.
- That explains the 'Test Your Ass Dimensions' frame at the check-in counter.
(July 17, 2002)
The Supreme Court recently ruled that executing mentally retarded criminals is "cruel and unusual punishment," violating the Eighth Amendment. What do you think?
- My God. Now there's no holding back that group home down the street."
- The cook who prepares the last meals at our prison is already seeing a drop-off in requests for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
(June 19, 2002)
U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was arrested May 8 in a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb" spewing low-level radiation. What do you think about this latest terror threat?
- I don't know... picking up chicks with, 'Sleep with me, baby" tomorrow we could all be dirty-bombed' just doesn't cut it.
- I am an American, and I'm not about to be cowed into fearing things I should be afraid of.
- The big question is, how did we ever let a guy like this into the country? What? He was born here? Oh.
(June 17, 2002)
Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?
- I am suddenly very suspicious of my next-door neighbor, Khalid al-McKenzie
- As a radical Islamic fundamentalist, I am seriously considering moving to Vancouver. It's sooo gorgeous there
(June 5, 2002)
Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do you think?
- India and Pakistan may be the next nations to use nukes in war, but no one had better forget who was first. USA! USA! USA!
- You know, this is precisely why I only read the sports and comics sections.
- Ever since the days of Gandhi, India has been eager to overcome the stereotype that they're a bunch of wise, deeply spiritual peacemakers.
(May 30, 2002)
According to intelligence officials, al-Qaeda or another terrorist group may one day attempt to carry out a suicide bombing on U.S. soil. What do you think?
- Sept. 11 was meant to weaken our nation's resolve, but it only strengthened it. One or two more attacks should weaken it, though.
- Suicide bombing is the coward's way out. Tainting a city's water supply with a rare and lethal compound from deep space is the evil genius' way out.
(May 22, 2002)
Last week, a report revealed that President Bush was briefed on the possibility of terrorist hijackings several weeks before Sept. 11. What do you think?
- Of course the U.S. had prior warning. Flying a plane into a building requires a permit that has to be applied for months in advance.
- If Bush had gotten all panicked about the warning, the terrorists would have already won.
(May 15th, 2002)
From France to Austria to the Netherlands, ultra-nationalist, far-right political parties hostile to immigration are making gains throughout Europe. What do you think?
- If everyone has food on the table and the trains run on time, maybe it's worth the occasional mile-deep pit of innocent civilians.
- Just keep your eye on them shifty-looking Luxembourgers. They're just waiting for the rest of the world to blink.
(May 01, 2002)
Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?
This is the new O.J.! Except nobody gives a fuck, and there's a tiny sliver of a possibility that Blake didn't actually do it.
Oh, those washed-up celebrities! Who will they kill next?
(April 24, 2002)
Boston's Cardinal Law has been ordered to appear for a deposition to answer questions about his protection of a priest accused of sexual abuse. What do you think?
- Jesus has absolved Cardinal Law of his sins. That's why I'm bringing a $100 million class-action suit against Jesus next week.
- As long as these priests admit wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness, God will reward them in the afterlife with all the little boys they could want.
(April 17, 2002)
Seeking to decrease U.S. dependence on Iraqi oil, Senate Republicans want to open Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling. What do you think?
- America needs to reduce its overall oil consumption, but I can't bring myself to ride the bus with a bunch of puds. So Arctic drilling it is.
- If I didn't know better, I'd say some oil man stands to make billions on this. Say, the president used to be in the oil business! Maybe he could help us sniff out the culprit!
(March 20, 2002)
Calling nuclear retaliation against attackers "an option," President Bush wants to build up the U.S. nuclear arsenal as a means of deterrence. What do you think?
- This is a difficult issue, but, ultimately, nuclear preparedness is the only answer to the problem of global population.
- Can we go back to ruining the world through deforestation and steady ozone depletion? That was a lot less scary.
- This is great news. I've always been afraid of dying alone.
(March 13, 2002)
Andrea Yates, on trial for the drowning of her five children in the bathtub of their Houston home, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. What do you think?
- I can't shake the feeling that four or five years from now, we're in for the creepiest fucking Oprah guest ever.
- You know, a high percentage of child fatalities in the home occur in the bathtub. Who's to say the statistics didn't catch up to her all at once?
- This poor woman lost five children. Hasn't she suffered enough?
(March 6, 2002)
A Middle East peace plan from Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah has generated hope among both Palestinians and Israelis. What do you think?
- This proposal is being put forth by a corrupt kingdom on behalf of two ancient sworn enemies whose agendas are dictated by their most extreme factions. How could it fail?
- I applaud Saudi Arabia for being willing to compromise on the degree to which Israel is wrong
- Wow, the Grammys and a Middle East peace plan, all in one week.
(FEB 27, 2002)
Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue,
and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?
- The government has a right to tax unhealthy products because, after all, they pay for health care. What? They don't?
- Well, $7 seems like a reasonable price to pay to calm my shakes and jitters over not having any fucking money.
(FEB 12, 2002)
President Bush's proposed $379 billion defense budget would be the
largest increase in two decades. What do you think?
- That seems like a reasonable amount. Wait, I didn't see those last
nine zeroes. Uh-oh.
- Hopefully, the Pentagon will justify this massive spending outlay by
buying some really cool shit.
- This is a return to the Reagan Era, when bombs came before the poor.
It's time to reunite my '80s hardcore punk band, Critical Truth.
(FEB 6, 2002)
U.S. leaders are divided over whether al-Qaeda detainees in Cuba
should be classified as POWs and protected under Geneva Convention laws.
What do you think?
- Goddammit, just when we finally get some prisoners, everybody wants
us to be all nice to them.
- This is a totally different situation. Those Geneva Convention laws
were written back when we were fighting white people.
(JAN 30, 2002)
Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady
accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What
do you think?
- Whoever is responsible for this scandal should be a man and step
forward for a very short sentence in a very posh jail.
- Oh, to be a fly on the wall at that 463-hour hearing.
- Serves those employees right for buying into something as shady as a
corporate 401(k) plan
(JAN 23, 2002)
Debate is raging over the proper punishment for John Walker, the
California 20-year-old who fought with the Taliban against the U.S. What
do you think?
- I hope that traitor spends the rest of his life locked away in
substantially better living conditions than he had in Afghanistan.
- That's it. I'm pulling my son Jason out of that Pakistani madrassa
pronto.
- We could execute Walker, or we could sentence him to tour the
country's elementary schools lecturing on how plotting to destroy the
U.S. is a dead end.
(JAN 16, 2002)
According to a new CIA report, China is expected to have as many as
100 long-range nuclear missiles aimed at the U.S. by 2015. What do you
think?
- Maybe it's time to flood China with opium again. Failing that, flood
me with opium.
- Doesn't China know that only the U.S. is responsible enough to have
a nuclear arsenal?
(DEC 19,2001)
Worried about nuclear attacks by terrorists and rogue states,
President Bush pulled out of the ABM treaty in the hopes of building a
missile shield. What do you think?
- The ABM treaty was a noble but ultimately flawed idea that hindered
our ability to bomb the fuck out of countries we don't like
- This is a wise move on Bush's part, considering the fact that
terrorists possess elaborate launching systems capable of firing nuclear
missiles into space
(DEC 12, 2001)
Last week, Hamas suicide bombers killed 25 in Jerusalem and Haifa,
and Israel retaliated with air strikes. What do you think about the latest
wave of Mideast bloodshed?
- Hey, if I were denied a heavily disputed piece of land, I'd blow up
innocent civilians with a crude bomb strapped around my midsection, too.
No, wait, I wouldn't. That's fucking insane."
- Maybe someday they'll take my advice and put a huge lid on the
entire region just as soon as lid technology becomes sufficiently
advanced
(DEC 5, 2001)
Last week, scientists announced the first-ever cloning of a human
embryo, which they hope to mine for stem cells to treat diseases. What do
you think?
- A whole population of identical-looking human beings? This chilling
dystopian vision has already come to pass in the fall J. Crew catalog.
- We don't need these cloned embryos takin' all the jobs away from
regular embryos
|
