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JBF (Jeff's Battle Federation) Grudge Match: A Match Made Over Heaven (and Hell)
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J: Johnny Gilbert here, ringside, with what could be the most explosive event of the season.
Two sides, squaring off, in what could be an incredibly bloody and possibly lethal event.
Thormak the Wanted, Solar Warrior Dwarf extraordinaire, leading his troops against the 
forces of Gorgeous Johnas and his patented Pink & Black 2-sword attack, in a no-holds-barred
Battle Royale fight to the finish.
V: And what a fight it will be. This is Vince McMahon with you here, in our pre-show warmup,
getting ready for what will surely be a climactic and cataclysmic end to this conflict. A
grudge match made in heaven, ladies in gentlemen, over the fate of the heavenly bodies.
J: That's right, Vince, over the Gods themselves. But who wants to hear about that crap?
We want blood. Let's take a closer look at our contestants.
V: First, hailing from Sarwak, a stupid little farming town full of gnomes and recently
nearly burned to the ground, comes Thormak the Wanted, weighing at a respectable 250 pounds
of muscle, sweat, and religious fanatacism.
J: That Thormak is a real little powerhouse, Vince. Don't let his size fool you. He is a
master with that 2-handed battleaxe, and his powers include flaming explosion spells and 
the ability to shrug off all kinds of damage with inhuman skill.
V: Well, of course it's inhuman! He's a dwarf! And don't forget his ability to keep getting
up after being knocked down. That magic axe is a real life-saver!
J: He sure is a contender, Vince. Now let's move on to the next powerhouse, namely Gorgeous
Johnas.
V: Gorgeous sure is good-looking, isn't he? With a smile that makes barmaids swoon from here
to Malloy, Johnas can often take on the opposition with just his grin! But don't let that
distract you. Johnas is a master swordsman, trained in the grittiest slums of the world, and
it is only through feats of amazing ability that he has survived as many assassin attacks as
he has. Unfortunately, he has recently suffered the setback of losing a great deal of his
magic power in a disappointing match with Virge the Revenger. But his skills with a blade
are second to none. He certainly outranks Thormak in the arena of sheer weapon ability, but
doesn't have the magic that the dwarf does.
J: And that can make a difference, with the range that the dwarf has with his spells. One
good shot with a fireball and it could be all over for Gorgeous. And now for our next 
contender, the afore-mentioned Virge the Revenger!
V: Hailing from parts unknown, this dark figure has been a bane to many of our star players
here at ringside, including the recent match with Gorgeous Johnas, illegal use of a chair
on the Amazing Lesbian, Alara, which put her out of commission until further notice, and 
even the defeat a while back of Thormak the Wanted.
J: But now the Revenger is back, and this time on the side of that very same Thormak! How
the winds of change twist and blow, eh Vince?
V: Yeah, whatever. Virge the Revenger is of unspecified height, weight, age, or race, but
we're pretty sure he's male. What we do know is that he's got a whole bunch of dirty tricks
up his sleeve, like always, and a whole bunch of spooky spells, as well as all of Gorgeous
Johnas's magic items, in addition to his already formidable Arsenal of Death-Dealing. And
don't forget his unforgiveable pact with a Dark God. Nobody really knows how good he'll be
in a melee, because frankly, nobody's ever gotten close enough to try him on for size! But
it's good bet that he won't be a slouch in that area, either. And he's still got that black
cat Nissith, I heard.
J: And what about our other combatants? This is a battle royale, isn't it, and it wouldn't
be much of a battle with only 3 contenders!
V: That's right, Johnny, and we have a whole row of first-tier players to add into this mix!
First off, it appears that Pretty Princess Kalisti will be making an appearance! Previously
known as Jena the Jaded, she's back in force with her boyfriend Fighting Phobos, the 
wonderfully mad Demented Dilph the Battlemage, and her ever-present bodyguard, that titanic
metal monster Rollcage Rhys.
J: I heard that Rollcage Rhys recently had a steam cannon mounted on his left arm, just for 
this match. Do you think there is any validity to that rumor, Vince?
V: I don't know, Johnny. Personally, I heard it was a shrapnel launcher or an ion cannon.
J: Truly frightening, that Rhys. If you can sink a man to the bottom of the bay of Vyn and
it doesn't bother him, he has got to have a different life perspective. Definitely some
issues, that one.
V: And how about those detachable limbs? What's up with that? Anyway, back to the Pretty
Princess. She hasn't seen much action lately, aside from some posturing, but our sources
tell us that she's got some new magic up her sleeve, as well as that mysterious flying sword
she has. Expect some new moves from a proven, if sometimes shaky, long-time player.
J: And at her side is that Demented Dilph. Now that one has issues! Who can explain his
antagonism towards the Amazing Lesbian or Gorgeous Johnas? It must have something to do with
these religious problems that everyone has been having.
V: Don't let the fact that he's a crazy elf fool you; that Dilph has all sorts of magic and
is a skilled swordsman to boot! Sources close to him suggest that he's a loose cannon, so
anything could happen.
J: And how about their other companion, Fighting Phobos?
V: Well, while Phobos is a skilled fighter, he's recently lost the support of his god, so he
hasn't gotten much sleep lately. He's also not top-notch at the sword, like Gorgeous Johnas,
so he'd better watch his ass in the ring--he could get fragged by a stronger opponent or a
random spell.
J: But what about the support for Gorgeous Johnas? So far we've only mentioned allies of
Thormak the Wanted.
V: Well Johnny, we've got quite a lineup. After a long drought of skilled enemies to face
Thormak, Gorgeous and gang finally played the Prycur card, and now the challengers are 
climbing out of the woodwork. First off, we have his party, which consists of Ember the
Cat-Lady, Duon the Evil-Smiter, and Clumsy Calem.
J: Clumsy Calem? What the hell kind of name is that, Vince?
V: The name was chosen for him, and in many cases it fits quite well, but don't let that
fool you--this awkward young prostitute-seeking mage is full of surprises, including a wide
array of Invocation magic and a pile of magic items that Virge the Revenger didn't think to
take.
J: Or didn't see the use of. They're probably all crap.
V: On the contrary, Johnny. You'd be surprised at the use of a well-placed magic missile
spell.
J: I'll take your word for it Vince. How about the other companions?
V: Well, Ember the Cat-Lady has the amazing ability to turn into a giant tiger and rend her
foes limb from limb! She also has the direct support of two other shape-changing druids, who
will be at her side throughout the entire match, you can be assured of that. While perhaps
not too strong individually, as a team they can pack a mean punch. And Duon the Evil-Smiter
is legendary for his single-mindedness in getting the job done. Paired with a large mace
and heavy armor, as well as a good arsenal of spells, offensive and defensive, he will be a
hard one to take down.
J: And what about Johnas's other companions?
V: Well, they include some run-of-the-mill fighters, a group of mages for long range and
tactical firepower, as well as a group of rangers that are good at hand-to-hand combat, and
an elven archer, which will make for an excellent sniper. And don't forget the ability of
those druids to heal. Overall, a very well-rounded, if eclectic group.
J: What's this rumor I hear about a group of Mantissans possibly joining up with them?
V: Well, Thormak the wanted just had a run-in with a large bunch of Mantissan Paladins,
clerics, and assorted other black-clad types, including some slippery shapechangers. There
are about thirty of them, and if they do indeed join forces with the Prycur-smashing
Gorgeous Johnas, the sheer numbers of them could make them almost unstoppable.
J: Do you think that Thormak the Wanted and his band of merry men have a chance?
V: Well, don't forget that Thormak is not alone. He has Nymphy Nilafe and her artifact magic
sword, and Surly Tsurlen backing him, both decent warriors with their own arsenal of magic,
and don't forget those wild gnomes, Raucous Richard and Timid Terrick.
J: Don't you think they're more likely to run than fight, Vince?
V: Well, Timid Terrick might, or he might wreak some mayhem with his patented Scary Illusion
tricks. But our sources say that Raucous Richard has plenty of his explosives left and is
ready and rearing to go, causing chaos to whomever gets in the way of his shrapnel grenades.
J: In the past, it seems he does as much damage to his teammates as to the enemy, though!
V: That may be so, but it will certainly be one of the things that makes this match 
interesting, Johnny!
J: What about Virge the Revenger's companions, Vince?
V: Well, he's got that mysterious winged boy with him, who's supposed to have a big magic
sword with him, and a whole bunch of power. For now, we've taken to dubbing him 'The
Mysterious X' but more information about him will become available as the match gets closer.
Our sources say that he still has a few thief-types that have stuck with him since Novitar.
He's also got someone with him that hasn't seen action in some time, namely Razor Blade, The
Incredibly Over-Powered-up Assassin-Type. With his acrobatic skill and magic knives, it's 
fair to say that this assassin, at least, is nearly unstoppable.
J: Quite a change from all the assassins that have fallen in the past, eh Vince?
V: Well, there was that famous assassin from a while back, the Bladesman. He's so cocky and
powerful that he didn't feel the need to attach a colorful adjective to his name. He's that
good.
J: Well, we could be seeing him soon, as there are a number of unspecified wildcards that
may or may not be entered into the match depending on the circumstances.
V: That's right, Johnny. As many as a dozen special challengers may show up, depending on
the actions of our contenders. It should really be an exciting match-up.
J: That's right folks. If you haven't done so already, call your cable company immediately
to order the JBF Grudge Match: A Match Made Over Heaven (and Hell). Only 24.99. Order Now!